Writing about stuff that is hard to deal with is supposed to make it easier to deal with (well that is what all the professionals, and non professional will tell you).

I’ve never bothered with any kind of therapy, counselling or support group. Mainly because when I was a 5 and about to have some crazy major surgery, they insisted you speak to the on ward psychologist to ‘understand what is going to happen to you’, and my psychologist decided that it would be a good idea for me to see my new on ward friend in intensive care. It was not. That is what I still have nightmares about. I can’t remember much about being in intensive care but seeing my friend lifeless, hooked up to all the machines just hours after playing on the ward? That I remember. 

Surely therapy would make it harder to deal with? I don’t need to go somewhere to be reminded that I can’t walk up hills, and I can’t take talking about it in a serious manner and I don’t think a therapist would agree with spending a hour making ‘when I die’ jokes.

I have a diary that gets used every few months, when something good happens, or when I need to have a little melt down.

That’s maybe why I find updating this blog tougher than I thought it would be. Nobody sees the tears and the worries,  because letting everyone see them won’t help. It will mean that I will see faces of pity and sorrow. You wouldn’t be happy that I was okay, you would be sad that I’m not happy all the time. 

So this is where the stuff I want you to see goes. 

everything else goes in my diary. I think if I had a  therapist they’d say this was a break though. 

Something I hear a lot are the words ‘oh you're so brave’ or ‘ooohhh I don't ever think I could be as brave as you’.
These ridiculous phrases were thrown at me recently when I was talking to someone about going to the dentist, because as everyone knows going to the dentist can be the scariest thing ever (although as I learnt last week, actually some dentists can be wonderful, like actual tooth fairies- but that’s for another rant, once my teeth are all fixed and beautiful).
People like to tell me I’m brave, and I don’t think I am, I think I get on with it, and that’s not being brave, if anything that’s casually ignoring it.

For me being brave meant wearing a bikini on the beach a few weeks ago, or going to a hairdresser (seriously, it terrifies me). But I think bravery is like beauty, it’s in the eye of the beholder.

Everyone is brave in someone else’s eyes and sometimes, (as we all should do on days we feel ugly and ‘eugh’) we are all brave (and beautiful) even if we don’t see it, or forget it.

So well done on being brave.

Have a sticker to celebrate your braveness, and to congratulate those around you.

(yup, as made by me in about 2min, if you can make a better one then add it too the comments below)

Today is International Happiness Day! Woooohhhhooo!!

As a generally happy person who seems to be living in a world of doom and gloom (well that is the impression I get from my Twitter and Facebook feeds) I get so fed up with everyone’s negativity, and the fact that everyone blames something or someone else for their miserableness.

I know not everyone can be happy all the time, and sometimes you can be in a rubbish mood for no reason, but I think people, overall need to look at the brightside of life. Things could be worse, it just depends on how you look at them. 

We are all responsible for our own happiness and shouldn’t put our happiness in other peoples hands but when everyone is being so negative it is hard to be happy, and if you are (and you’re me) you will feel guilty for being happy, which is a ludicrous idea.

Everyone has a reason to be happy( and everyone should have a happiness list of things/ times/ thoughts that make you happy, but not people because of they upset yo, you’ll need your happiness list!).

Here are some of the things that are on my Happiness list;

Walking along the beach; Closer to the edge by 30 Seconds to Mars; playing with my pet cat;  watching Pride and prejudice; I’m still breathing: Reading Festival memories; and Fall Out boy.

I also enjoy pictures of cats; here have one, to make you smile…..

We all have are flaws, everyone, some are just better at hiding them than others and other people own them better than others.

One of my major ‘flaws’ is that I’m shy.

This actually isn't a flaw (well I don’t think) and you know why?? I do it well. I am amazing at being shy and introverted. Because I know its what I am like, and guess what!? I’m totally okay with it!! Really.

People have tried to get me to ‘come out if my shell’ and ‘be more confident’. But why?? In my eyes that just means you don’t like the person I am which incidentally doesn't do a lot for my confidence and then how the hell do I feel less shy?? Hummmmm?

I feel more confident when I’m comfortable with people and when I don’t feel pressured to ‘get more involved’ in a social situation.

So I’m okay in feeling shy, and it happens to work well for me. So in the nicest possible way.
LEAVE ME ALONE!

(That loud enough for you?)

:)

Firstly lets get this straight, I love winter, especially the snow however all that cold cold weather causes me problems. Of the breathing variety.

The main issue is that I live on a hill (that I can not walk up any day of the year, let alone cold ones..) in the middle of the suburbs and when it snows our area is one of the first to get cut off. 

Last week when it snowed badly I spent 4 days stuck at home! 4 days!!

It sucks, mainly because I could actually get a bus into town however they stop so far away from my house when it snows that walking down the hills to them is tough, and walking back up? no no no!! I even got stranded in town because I went to college, and there was no snow, left college and it was snowing and 20 minuets later I was stranded in a bus stop with no buses!! Thankfully my dad rescued me!! (thanksdadddyyyyy!)

I think the best thing about the snow is I can totally justify the insane amount of clothes I wear! I wear a lot of layers anyways but in winter I wear all the clothes!

My finest moment was going out in 2 pairs of tights (1 thermal), 2 dresses, 2 pairs of socks, a jumper, hoody, 2 pairs of gloves, 2 scarfs and a hat. (and underwear, just for the record) yup.

So safe to say I am super-duper happy about seeing the sunshine and double figures this week. SUPER-DUPER HAPPY!!! Although now I feel I can’t justify wearing quite so many clothes. sadface.

I fake things, we all fake things. Things such as smiles, being grown up, that we care about what he said she said he said.

There are also things I do not fake, being ill is one of them!!

I don’t know why people think that this is something I would fake. Recently I’ve found out that some body from my old job was telling other members of staff that I was faking being ill to skip out of work and get attention!

There are 2 major thing wrong with that statement, firstly I had the lowest amount of sick days with in my team despite being ill a lot of the time, and secondly if I’d wanted attention I’d get my boobs out, that’s easier.

If I was faking then I’d be a bloody good make up artist (I go pale and blue very quickly), I’d be healthy and feel fine when I wanted to go out (I am not and often miss out on things/nights out because I’m too tired or can feel myself getting ill) and a horrible person to put my friends and family through this, go to the doctors etc. for nothing.

If anything I fake feeling well. So many days I carry on like normal when actually I should be at home resting.

What I’m trying to say is that just because I seem well, and it might not be obvious that ill, I’d give anything not to be okay. So why would I fake it?

Why would I fake it?
Why?

If I was going to fake something to get me out of work and create attention etc I’d be way more imaginative. Really.

Its always awkward starting a new job, Uni or college, or in fact just meeting a new lot of people that you’re going to spend a lot of time with. I always find it a little awkward at any time so, throw in a long walk, hill or stairs and normally I just want to leave.
People react differently, some don’t let it make a difference, others ignore it, some flip out and stare when I’m ill and a funny colour.
So based on past experiences I’m always nervous about telling new people why I cannot do stuff and if they will freak out or not.
I've just started college (good life choice) and imagine my horror when both our class rooms are on high floors, one on the 5th and the other on the 3rd. Yes there is a lift but when all your new classmates walk up the stairs how do you go “errrm if I keep going up and down 5 flights of stairs I will fall over” its kinda hard, and you can just jump in the lift but then people think you’re lazy. Ehhhhhhhh. So after the first few days of taking the stairs (bad life choice) I had to just take the stairs and slowly tell people. I've mentioned this blog, we were talking about driving so a few more people know and I maybe (did) accidentally make an ‘I’m going to die’ joke to which a face of horror was pulled by someone (ooopsie). So now I've just had to start taking the (so slow) lift and casually asking if who wants to be my ‘lift buddy’ and apparently people do so that they don’t have to take the stairs. Hurrarrr everyone’s a winner!

So the lesson is, take the lift, don’t make jokes until people are more comfortable and people will be your ‘lift buddy’ because they don’t look lazy.
Lisa 1 – insane amounts of stairs 0.

edit- just had to go through and replace the word life with lift. We all know a ‘life buddy’ is the last thing I want.

A new guy started at my work this week and we were talking about stuff and life and something came up about me being old and tired (a running joke at work) and that I need to go and nap before I went out that evening. Somehow the conversation went to me being ill and he looked at me unsure if I was being serious, that kind of unknowing ‘will it be awkward if I ask’ look (and he wasn't so cool I’d have definitely made it awkward) and then he went ‘really? wouldn’t think it after meeting you.’

And that is exactly what I aim for.

Jokes, Lolz and Completely inappropriate!

I think its fair to say that when it comes to my health I should be a bit more serious, I don’t mean practically, I take my meds, get the bus avoid hills etc. I mean when it comes to discussing it.

You see I joke about, it makes things less scary, my family and closest friends joke about, that’s how we deal with it, perfect examples include the time we were looking at animal hearts (at the Nature inside out exhibition, not as a random daily activity), when I mentioned a old TV show called ‘Pig Heart Boy’ conversation then turned into us wondering if, if I ever did have to have a transplant that a). I would like a nice looking, as heart shaped as possible one please and b). I would totally fake the whole having the donors memories and feelings condition some people get, just to freak my friends out.

This is how many of our conversations about this sort of thing are played out. The other day I day I’d like to break Jennifer Ennis’ hurdle record, claiming it may be the last thing I ever do but ‘what a way to go ‘or the time a group of us were heading home from town and we got the night bus, one person asked why when we live a 20min walk away, my friend simply turned and said ‘she will die’. Simple and effective.

This is all fun and banter my friends and I have if and when the subject comes up, it makes it easier to deal with and, assuming you’re my friend and we are comfortable with each other its all jokes and lolz and this is how we like it.

I’d apologise for offending anyone, but its my heart and I’ll Joke if I want to.

I haven’t managed to make Iron infused cake (yet!) but I have had a wail of a time making Iron filled dinners and taking my new amazing liquid iron stuff and now its become a bit of a running joke between my friends and I.

Last week I tried the Iron tablets, however tablets and I don’t get on and these didn't even work crushed up with water in a shot glass (surprising considering my ability to demolish Jager shots). So last Saturday I spent my afternoon hunting Hove for some liquid Iron, which was harder to find than you would think! After heading to my local pharmacy, Superdrug and Boots I was left with 1 option and now like all the middle aged yummy Mummys out there I have a Holland and Barratt loyalty card!!!

So then I trekked off to Tesco to buy red meat, spinach and fruit juice and had a major flail as for the first time in ages I actually felt like and ill person, I was walking around Tesco armed with my list of foods I needed, not wanted and I flailed because I felt like I had to go and do this and suddenly my life in other ways than just taking medication. I had to think Iron. In the grand scheme of things this is ridiculous, and I am very aware that almost crying in the fresh meat department is really unnecessary but I couldn't help it.

Once I got home, loaded with shopping bags full of high Iron foods and fruit juice (to help absorb Iron) I felt a bit better and then I made an amazing Shepherd’s pie, with extra spinach, it was wonderful.

Stay tuned for more iron fuelled adventures, with no tears in the meat isle, and maybe I’ll make a Iron infused cake
(or Jager shot).

News just in; Serious iron deficiency anaemia is my new thing.
Bad news: more (brown) tablets.
Good news: Red meat ahoy!!! Show me the steak!!!

Eugh.
Wonder if I can make Iron infused cake???

When life gets me down and I get annoyed about the things I can’t do for whatever reason its always good to remind yourself of what you can do, and I can bake!

I’m pretty proud of these:

Recently I have had to pay my local hospital a few visits, normally I don’t bother and I always head up to London to see Mr Consultant. However a few months ago I found myself at my GP’s and then referred to the Local hospital and it was then that it was realised there are absolutely no notes of mine there anymore, they didn’t get passed on when I got to old for the children’s hospital and Mr Consultant hasn’t done clinics locally for years. This is not something I’ve ever given much thought to (I naively assumed that basic records would be available from the children’s hospital or because I’ve been there for tests or maybe via a NHS internal-web-like system) but apparently this is a major problem as I was told by an A+E doctor “If you get hit by a bus, no one would be able to treat you properly and that could have fatal consequences”, wonderful. I didn’t mention that I always wait for the green man.

So after paying A+E a visit I now have notes at my local hospital, but I need a consultant there as well apparently (which is fair enough) and a few weeks a go I went back to the hospital to meet Mrs local Consultant (MLC) and have her do some tests and get to know my history, awesome, fine, not a problem. There was one problem however, MLC didn’t believe anything I said and more annoyingly did not understand my humour and humour is a vital part of my hospital visits, but that’s for another time.

Pretty much the whole session was her asking me questions like “do you drink a lot of alcohol?”

“Not often, and not much when I do, I’m a light-weight”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes…?”

After that it was pretty much the same about drugs, smoking, walking, eating habits etc and then this happened:

“what are your birth control needs?”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Birth control, has someone spoken to you about what you can and can’t take?”

Yes, when I was 16 we had the chat”

“ok so what are your current birth control needs?”

“I have none, I mainly use my personality”.

“Hummmmm….” *unhappy face*

Awkward. I’m unsure if she didn’t get it, believe me or whole heartily agreed that it was probably true.

So after I went on about with my life and pretty much forgot all about it until I got a letter the other day (just as usual after a check up) and upon reading it a few things jumped out at me, my favourite being “…the potential catastrophe should she develop a thrombus..” I really really like the use of the term ‘potential catastrophe’, and based on that alone I think that maybe, my first impression of Mrs Local Consultant might have been wrong, there are also other bit in there that made me think that maybe she does get me.

Luckily she has decided I’m okay and don’t need to see her for another 2 years, unless of course, I get hit by that bus…..